Hey! So I’ve searched and I’ve seen that a lot of parents have become pilots, which is great. My question is for those of you who have children that have grown up and/or children of pilots. My kids are 10, 9, and 7. All of them intelligent enough to understand and acknowledge that I will be away from home a lot as a pilot. That I’ll miss game days, competitions, birthdays, holidays, etc. While they aren’t thrilled with the idea they are mostly supportive. My question is geared towards people who have experienced this lifestyle and what you did or your parents did that made it easier on you. Also, what you would do differently, if anything. Conversations, actions, etc. I’m great at being present when I’m present, but I’m wondering if there’s more I could do to make it better for them.
“what you did or your parents did that made it easier on you”
Erin,
With all due respect, it already sounds like you trying to make things easier on YOU by saying you believe that
“while they aren’t thrilled with the idea, they are mostly supportive”. Listen, many of us have children (I have 3 and they were all about the same age as yours when I started) and while I don’t know yours, I can absolutely promise you that they will not understand when you’re not there for birthdays, holidays, ball games, recitals, etc etc etc. Children always want their parents around and I’m sure that’s no surprise to you. My children are all grown and have lives. To this day when I’m with them and leave they still ask me “do you really have to go to work, can’t you stay longer?”. Will they adjust? Sure they will. Will they becoming serial killers because of it? Probably not but you can’t seriously believe this is what they want and are supportive of your decision?
Now I’m not telling you not to fly, you’re not a good mother etc but you need to acknowledge this is not an ideal situation. There are some positives but it will take work and effort. One year I couldnt be home for my daughter’s birthday. I said when I got home we’d go shopping, she declined and said all the local malls were boring so we got up early and flew to the Mall of America for the day. She liked that. While I missed a few little league games we would fly south to FL in the winter and go to Spring Training. Texas for BBQ, S.Carolina for low country boils, 2 Christmases. One year there was a school report on China so we flew to Beijing. The list is long and yes some of it was trying to alieve my guilt, but for the most part it worked as my children are all good people (their mom had ALOT to do with that) and I think they’d agree in the end it was worth it. But if you asked my son when he was 7 I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t.
Finally the biggest positives (imho) are a) when you’re home your home. Pilots don’t have homework, reports due etc and other than yearly recurrent (which is only a few days) once you park the plane you’re done and can (and should) devote all your free time to your family. B) I believe if we’re happy in our careers we’re better people all around. Better parents, spouses, friends, children etc. When you’re happy its easy.
Adam
Thanks Adam for your input! I say my kids understand because their father commuted for about a year and was only home 1 weekend a month during that time. I’m also gone once every 4-6 weeks for about a 3/4 days and have missed games (while no birthdays or holidays). So they have a greater grasp on the realities than most people do. I also am very aware that it’s on the selfish side of career paths and most definitely not the ideal. I’m simply curious on how to maintain a balance that errs on the side of positive and how I can help alleviate the inevitable resentment that will occur from time to time. I’m also curious about how veterans in the industry would do things differently now and perhaps how children view their parents as adults. Your opinion is extremely helpful because I know you started when your children were about my kids’ ages now and they are currently adults.
Erin,
I don’t have children yet but I grew up in that lifestyle. My dad flew for United my entire childhood. Of course there were times he missed a game or an event but honestly I don’t really remember the small details. I remember the impressionable things like when my dad was home, he was truly home. His job provided opportunities to travel and see the world that most kids I knew never had. I loved the way I grew up so much, I decided to become a pilot myself.
With all this being said, my dad was very careful with how he pursued the career. Making time home with his family his first priority, ALWAYS. I few months ago I was able to talk to him about all his career progressions and align them with where I was age wise. The big takeaways:
- Seniority is everything. Getting hired at the right time is a little hard work but mostly luck. He got hired at the right time which meant he was senior enough to ride the waves of furloughs while still staying on property.
- When you’re senior, stay senior to keep your quality of life. You can chase pay or airframes (or both) but each time you make a move it effects your seniority which effects your quality of life. Delay those changes until you can keep your seniority and make the change.
- Use all the great benefits airline pilots are awarded. Use the travel benefits, cruise discounts, etc. Having experiences as a family most kids don’t get made up for the rare occasion my dad wasn’t home for an event.
Hope this helped.
Hannah
Great thoughts and suggestions from everyone. As for whether or not your children will understand, no one can make you promises about that because only your children can decide that as they grow over time. No one else’s experience with their children gives them the ability to make promises regarding the outcome of your children, nor can they make ascertains about whether or not your children will support you, whether at this young age or later in their lives. All children vary in their maturity and awareness.
I don’t want to get off topic but I did have a question regarding Hannah’s #2 point. Hannah, I’m under the impression, based on what you have here, that you could stay an FO while your peer group you were hired with upgrade to captain. This makes you a senior FO able to hold a desirable schedule over all the other junior FOs. Then when you see that your peer group (who are captains now) have gained enough seniority as Capt to hold desirable schedules you could upgrade to Capt. Since you were hired at the same time as them and have a similar employee seniority number, you also can hold the same type of schedule as them. You could transition from a senior FO to a senior captain and keep your quality of life but would have missed out on the years of captain pay that your peer group got while you remained an FO. That is how I took your point. Is that correct or did I misunderstand?
Mason,
I’m sure Hannah will respond but that is 100% correct.
Adam
Mason,
Perfect understanding of the seniority concept.
Chris
Okay, great! Thanks.
Mason,
Yep, absolutely correct. In the beginning of your career you can set your priorities. If you chase pay, you’ll want the earliest upgrade to get captain pay, or the next airframe you can hold as an FO that pays more per hour. Or you can let seniority and quality of life be the biggest priority.
The most conservative path, is the one you describe. Less money over the time as an FO but quickest path to quality of life.
A middle of the road path, if your family is young and flexible you can take that first captain upgrade to have a higher income then ride the slower but still progressing seniority wave and wait to move airframes when you can maintain the same seniority as a captain.
The beauty of it all, it’s all your choice to make the career that works best for you and your family.
Hannah
This thread was exactly what I was looking for. My kids are 10 and 14. Needless to say I am a little nervous about my absence also.
Thank you guys so much!!!
Both of my now teen aged children are 4th generation pilots (great grandfather, grandfather, father and now they are both student pilots, one working on instrument and the other on private). They grew up traveling around the world on standby their entire lives. Our first born was a pax on more than 20 commercial flights before the age of 2. However, we did not pick up trips for add pay and bid the lowest time with the most days off. As they grew older, it became fairly typical to celebrate a birthday a few days before or after the actual day. No biggie. It takes a spouse who is understanding and very flexible when it comes to scheduling events. Our children did not mind if mommy or daddy missed a dance recital or a game. They are well rounded, happy adventurous children and we do not regret showing them the world (35+ countries ) through standby.
Thank you for sharing!
My kids are pretty well traveled as well (not quite 35). They actually were excited about it. I even read them the post here which I feel was the PERFECT conversation opener.
Wow! That’s pretty amazing Hannah. I’m really impressed.
Great conversation here. I wrestle with this too, but I’m in trucking and there really isn’t much progression I can make income wise anymore (and we just can’t do much of anything when I have those days off). I’m in a local job now which is nice for being home everyday but it’s a couple hours in the evening, a couple days random off a week and always penny pinching. Beats being over the road, but like both of you mentioned, it’d be really nice to be able to travel and have those really cool experiences (feels strange after 8 years in China to just be grinding every day in the u.s. with little hope of a family trip).