Question about mental health and pilot culture at ATP and in the airlines

Airline Pilot Questions & Answers
1

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I’ve always appreciated that the information shared here is knowledgeable but also nonjudgmental, sincere and polite. I’ve been wanting to ask this question on here for a long time, and I apologize in advance for the length. This isn’t an easy question for me so please bear with me as I feel some background information is important.

I’m 41 years old. Flying for an airline has been my dream since I was a child, and one I am still trying to achieve. I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in 2007, then spent five years saving to go to flight school. In 2012 I finally had enough money saved and began flight training at an academy that had an airline career pilot program (much smaller than ATP). I attained my PPL in late 2012, and my IR in spring 2013. Then things slowed down but I kept chipping away until I finally got my CPL in Spring 2014. My original plan and next step was to get multi and CFI ratings then begin time building.

However, everything came to a grinding halt after I received my CPL. I was so close to starting a career and had invested over $60K by that point, but I felt that I had to walk away from it all. So, what happened? The answer is a mental health crisis. During my training, I developed severe anxiety. At first I didn’t understand what was happening to me. All I knew was that I was experiencing something intensely painful. I felt consumed by shame, self-hate and a complete lack of belief in myself. These feelings eventually gave way to panic attacks, then obsessive and compulsive behaviors. These made it really difficult to fly. It got so bad around the time I got my CPL that I knew I couldn’t go on.

I quit and sought professional help, which helped a lot, but I couldn’t bring myself to recommence flight training due to a profound fear of the same thing happening to me. Begrudgingly, I started a new career in 2015. I got a master’s degree in education and wound up becoming a middle school English and social studies teacher. I’m still teaching eight years later, and although it has been a fulfilling career, it has been tremendously challenging. And, every day, I have this sense of regret that I am not living my dream.

Yes, I am predisposed to anxiety conditions, but there is always a catalyst. In my case, the trigger was 100% my experience at the flight academy. I felt a constant sense of unease, discomfort and inadequacy because of my identity not fitting in to the dominant culture. To feel welcome there, you had to fit a certain “type” as a male – hyper-masculine with a big ego, as well as hold certain political viewpoints. Homophobia, sexism and racism were rampant. For me, the joy of flying got sucked out because of the toxicity of the instructors, directors and other students that I had to spend my days with. It took a tremendous toll on me. When I walked away, I believed I was not “man enough” to be a pilot.

I kept getting help for several years and am happy to report that today I’m in good physical and psychological condition. But, I feel unfulfilled, and have this sense that I need to achieve my dream of flying for an airline, even if I only do it for a short amount of time. So, I’m looking at having one last crack at this, so I won’t have regrets come my retirement years. I’m under no illusions about the difficulties of doing this, and I accept that I will probably go no further than a regional captain at my age. I now have the financial stability where that will be okay, and I would be happy to return to teaching if this doesn’t work out.

So, here is my question: What is the pilot culture like at ATP and in the airlines? Is diversity visible and valued? I believe that I am much stronger now than a decade ago, in large part thanks to my years working as an urban middle school teacher of newly arrived immigrants (very challenging – physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting). I now have more experience in overcoming significant life obstacles. But I’m still terrified that if I return to flying, I will again feel that I don’t belong, and that I wasn’t meant to be a pilot because I don’t look, act and speak in a certain way. And that for me is a very slippery slope.

Thank you so much for sticking with me. Even just getting this written and posted has felt like a huge step in the right direction. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

All the best,

Cal

2

Cal,

I can assure you that ATP, and every airline I am familiar with, do not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, age, disability, religion, or sex (including pregnancy, sexual orientation, and gender identity).

I suggest seeking out the council of a FAA Medical Examiner in regards to your mental health concerns.

Chris

3

Cal,

As Chris said, I haven’t seen any incidents of any discrimination at ATP nor at the airlines. In fact many of the airlines have relaxed (to some degree) their uniform policies to allow people to feel more comfortable being who they are. Long/short I wouldn’t be concerned about that.

That said both ATP and moreso newhire airline training can both be very stressful. Unlike many local flight schools, there are very rigid goals set and it’s up to you to meet the standards. While people will be encouraging, there is no hand holding nor “you take your time”. Just something to think about.

Adam

4

Hello Chris and Adam,

Thank you very much for both taking the time to read and respond to my post. I’m grateful for what you have shared.

However, the information I was looking for was not so much about discrimination and policy, but more about the pilot culture within ATP and in the airlines.

I have no doubt that ATP and airlines do not discriminate when admitting students or hiring pilots. It would be illegal for them to do so since there are federal laws which prohibit discrimination based on race, color, religion, disability, sex, sexual orientation and gender identity.

What I am trying to find out is, in your experience:

  • Would you say that the pilot culture at ATP and airlines you are familiar with is welcoming towards pilots from diverse backgrounds, for example pilots with a race / nationality other than white American, LGBTQ+ pilots, pilots with a disability, older pilots who have changed careers from an unrelated field, etc.?
  • In your experience, do you think an openly gay or transgender pilot would feel welcome, safe and valued by other pilots while working at ATP and at the airlines you are familiar with?

I’ve no problem whatsoever with stress and I’m not looking for handholding. As someone who already obtained their PPL, IR and CPL under great duress, and in the years since has achieved success in one of the most stressful and underpaid careers out there while simultaneously studying for and receiving two master’s degrees, stress and hard work do not deter me. However, the thought of a homophobic, intolerant or anti-intellectual workplace does.

Thank you again for your time and thoughts.

All the best,

Cal

5

Cal,

I understood what you were asking. When I said I’ve seen no incidents of discrimination I wasn’t talking about the corporations or hiring practices, I was referring to my experiences as an ATP student and as a line pilot. Further as a former union rep I can tell you violating any of the company’s discrimination policies is the quickest and surest way to get fired.

That all said the fact is the majority of airline pilots are still straight white guys and there are literally no guarantees you won’t encounter someone who hasn’t gotten the memo and acts inappropriately.

Adam

6

Cal,

I would say that ATP and the airlines I am familiar with are welcoming towards people from diverse backgrounds. Disabilities is another discussion as that is governed by the FAA.

I would say that an openly gay or transgender pilot should hopefully feel just as welcome as any other pilot at ATP or the airlines.

Chris

7

Adam,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, I greatly appreciate it.

I was just reading your biography and the story of how you got to where you are today is quite inspiring to me, as we have some things in common. I’m also a New Yorker, I’m getting back into this at around 40ish, and during my PPL, IR and CPL the commute from home in Queens to the flight school was over an hour one way (which is partly why it took me so long to get those licenses).

Yours is a great story and it provides hope to 40+ folk like me who have already been down this well-worn and dusty path before, sacrificed so much, put so much on the line and seen failure…it speaks to how the resilience we show can make it all worthwhile in the end.

Cheers,

Cal

8

Chris,

Thank you for your response. The thoughts and experience you share here are valuable not only for me but for many others who read these forums. I appreciate your support.

Cheers,

Cal

9

Thank you for your kind words Cal.

That’s why we’re here!

Adam